I’m so glad to be back. Honestly, I just needed to take time for myself and my family and gather my senses. Things got off to a rough start this year. They were things that everyone has to go through, but it’s still tough. I’ve never gotten too personal on this blog, but I’ve decided to share some things and get real. Everyone goes through stuff, and it’s healthy to talk about it. This is me, and what I’ve been through makes me who I am. The same goes for everyone.
First of all, I found out toward the end of last year that my grandma had a terminal lung disease. She was actually my step-grandma, because my step-dad raised me, but I have very fond memories of her in my childhood and she was actually the only grandma I ever knew. I was very upset to hear the news, and I was really upset for my dad because he was extremely close with her. I promised I would be there for him, and I also went to visit her. She passed away in May. She was an incredible woman and lived a very full and happy life. Still, it’s never easy. During the funeral I saw some family members on my step-dad’s side that I hadn’t seen in years. It was so nice to reconnect and meet everybody’s kids, etc. I spent some time with my uncles and cousins, so there were lots of laughs and tears. I didn’t get to know my biological father, so I never met his side of the family. My step-dad’s family was the only family I knew. My mom had no siblings, and her parents passed before I was born, so it always meant so much to me to be accepted into my dad’s family at a very young age.
So about a month after my grandma passed, my dad was still trying to handle things, and his brother (my uncle) had a heart attack and passed away suddenly. My heart was broken for my dad. I had lost my mom and sister a couple years apart a few years ago, so it was bringing back those feelings of loss again. I started having anxiety issues for the first time in years, and it was getting more and more difficult to be in public. On top of everything else, I’ve been watching my daughter struggle with addiction for the past 10 or so years. (That’s a whole different subject) It got so bad, she had to serve time in prison for a year, and Kelly and I have been raising her son for the past 4 years. She has been doing much better, but I’ve learned that it’s an ongoing process. Anyone with this experience knows what I’m talking about. It doesn’t just go away, and the family seems to suffer the most. So one day (in February), it all came to a head and I had to go to the emergency room. I was diagnosed with hypertension and tachycardia. I was aware that my blood pressure had been too high, and I’ve always had a super fast heart rate. I’ve also suffered from panic attacks ever since I can remember, so the doctor prescribed a beta-blocker to address both issues. I hated the idea of being on medication, but I gradually got used to the idea. After that, I decided to get an overall wellness check, mammogram, all the stuff you’re supposed to do that I hadn’t done in years. It had gotten to the point to where I was scared to death that something major was wrong with me. My biological father had cancer and passed away at my age (I’m 44), and I lost my sister when she was a little older than me, so I felt that it was time for me to address things regarding my health. Thankfully, everything is fine, and now I can move on and live life, and be here for my family.
When I started this blog 6 years ago, I had a good idea of how I wanted it to be and why I wanted to do it. I wanted to have a place to promote my shop and share creative posts, but I never felt comfortable with getting personal. I guess I was afraid of being judged for things from personal decisions to using bad grammar. (Yeah, that actually happened). I was actually going through something very personal at the time that I started the blog, but I was trying to stay lighthearted and upbeat. I guess it was my way of dealing with my feelings. I felt that it was a sign of weakness to express grief and sadness. The reality was, I had just lost my sister and I was completely devastated beyond belief. But somehow I got through it, and then I lost my mom, dealt with (dealing with) my daughter’s addiction/recovery, and raising my grandson. I’ve learned that it’s perfectly healthy to talk about what’s happening. What’s not healthy is to act like nothing is wrong, and to not tell people close to you what’s going on in your head. EVERYBODY goes through difficult times, and it’s so important to have a support system, even if it’s just one or two people. I always felt like I was leaving something out or not being honest while I was posting how “great things are”. I was just trying to stay positive and not dwell on the negative. There’s a difference in talking about it and simply expressing yourself, and dwelling on things. I think I was just being a little too hard on myself and having unrealistic expectations of how I should feel or handle things. Again, it’s ok to talk about it, and then to try to move on and heal on your own time.
So here I am, back here actually talking about things I never thought I would share with most people. It feels pretty good. I’ve missed posting, but I always felt that I could share a little more than I was sharing, while being productive with my thought process. It helps me get past the obstacle, while maybe reaching out to someone else. This blog isn’t just about “new shop items” or what my house looks like. I’d like to share more, and act like an actual human being who runs this blog, not a robot. I should do a post on what my grandson’s room looks like most of the time. Now, THAT would be honest! I’m not quite ready to share that just yet.. Anyway, I’m looking forward to getting back to posting about the usual stuff, and also adding some new things to the mix. Thank you for taking the time to visit this little space of mine.